There’s a constant war going on inside me.
One side of me wants to be on fire for God. I want to live right and walk in purpose. I seek to honor everything He’s brought me through. But then there’s the other side… the wild one.
The one that craves attention, excitement, freedom, even if it comes with regret.
I didn’t always understand why that pull was so strong. I used to think maybe I was just too much. I thought I was too emotional, too inconsistent, or not strong enough in my walk with God. But now, I know better.
Now I see the connection between the little girl who was hurt and the woman still healing.
Because trauma doesn’t just disappear when you get saved. Sometimes, it shows up later, in your temptations, your choices, and the patterns you’re still trying to break.
Before I gave my life to Christ, my days were filled with smoking weed and drinking. Sometimes, I got drunk alone. I was just trying to numb pain I didn’t know how to face. That was my normal.
Then I got married. Ten years strong now, and everything changed. My husband has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. He’s helped me grow, held me accountable, and constantly reminds me who God created me to be. His love has been steady when I wasn’t. His grace reflects God’s patience with me in ways I never expected.
God knew what He was doing when He sent him my way.
But if I’m being real… sometimes I still miss that wild version of me. I used to love dancing, laughing with my girls, being carefree. And sometimes, I still crave that feeling, that rush of freedom.
It’s in those moments that the real battle starts.
It’s like the devil sits on one shoulder whispering, “It’s just one night… go ahead. You deserve it.”
And the Holy Spirit gently reminds me, “You’ve come too far to go back.”
That’s when I reach for what helps me stay grounded.
Sometimes I’ll pick up my Uninvited book. It reminds me that I don’t need the world’s approval. I already have God’s love. Other days, I’ll sit with my Woman’s Study Bible. I let the Word speak into the ache. It’s an ache I can’t always explain.
There are moments when I pour a cup of coffee in my Faith Over Fear mug. I light a candle and start journaling in my Armor of God Prayer Journal. It’s just me, God, and the truth I’m still learning to walk in. Because honestly? That’s what keeps me from slipping back.
I’ve learned that temptation doesn’t always come with warning signs, sometimes it comes wrapped in nostalgia. And when it hits, I remind myself: Freedom isn’t found in the things that once trapped me.
It’s found in the One who saved me.
Books like Don’t Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table help me keep my thoughts in check. They are useful when the lies start creeping in.
When I need peace, I’ll open The One Year Daily Acts of Kindness Devotional. It helps me refocus on what really matters: love, service, and living out grace daily.
The truth is, every day I’m learning that obedience doesn’t mean perfection.
It means choosing God, even when your flesh wants to choose otherwise.
✝️ A Prayer for the War Within
“Lord, when the fight between my flesh and faith feels too heavy, remind me of who I am in You.
Strengthen my spirit when temptation tries to take control.
Help me to see that obedience is not punishment — it’s protection.
Thank You for grace that catches me when I stumble and love that never lets me go.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
If you’re reading this and feel that same struggle, don’t be ashamed. You’re not weak. You’re human.
And you’re not alone in the fight. There’s grace for every stumble and strength for every comeback.
If this post spoke to you:
💬 Share it with a sister or a friend who’s fighting the same battle.
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Stay strong. Stay rooted. Stay real. The war is constant, but so is His grace.️
Holy mess 