Holy mess

Finding Self-Worth After Years of Pain and Struggle

A young girl sitting on the floor by her bed with her head in her hands, showing sadness and emotional pain, represents childhood trauma, loneliness, and the search for healing and self-worth.

I’m 37 years old now, and it’s only been in the last few years that I began to understand how deeply being molested as a child impacted my life. The pain didn’t end when it happened. It followed me through my teenage years and into adulthood. It silently shaped how I saw myself and others.

For as long as I can remember, I struggled with promiscuity and attention-seeking. I didn’t understand why until recently. After the abuse, I remember being in first grade, forcing a little boy named Jesus to be my “boyfriend.” He would cry when I made him hold my hand. I still remember the look on his face, it’s something no child should remember.

At that age, I didn’t realize it, but my boundaries had already been broken. That kind of behavior doesn’t just appear, it’s learned from exposure, from trauma, from being forced into something no child should experience.

I grew up craving attention, wanting to be seen, noticed, and loved by anyone who would look my way. I wasn’t a “wild” child like people said. I was a hurting little girl trying to fill a void I didn’t understand. My heart had been wounded, and I was trying to find healing in all the wrong places.

Through middle school, I allowed boys to touch me in ways that I now know were completely wrong. But back then, it didn’t feel wrong. It felt like attention. It felt like worth. My understanding of love and boundaries had been twisted by trauma. What should’ve been affection became confusion.

As I grew older, that brokenness followed me. I confused love with validation, and attention with value. I gave myself away too easily because I thought that’s what being loved looked like. I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t know what real love even was.

It wasn’t about sex, it was about control, about being chosen. It was about not feeling invisible.

But now, I see it for what it was: a survival response. My little heart was doing its best to cope with something I didn’t have words for. I don’t hate that little girl anymore. I understand her now. She wasn’t dirty or broken, she was surviving.

And today, I can finally say this with peace:

“I am no longer that girl. I am healed, forgiven, and redeemed through Christ.”

God has been healing me, piece by piece. He’s been showing me what real love looks like, love that doesn’t use or abandon, love that restores and rebuilds. I’ve learned that my worth isn’t found in who notices me, it’s found in who created me. I don’t need validation from people when I already have acceptance from my Creator.

If you’ve ever felt like I did, used, unseen, ashamed, or confused, I want you to know this: You are not alone. I have felt used, unseen, ashamed, or confused too. You are not beyond healing. God sees you. He loves you. And He’s ready to rewrite your story just like He’s rewriting mine.

Here are some of the books and tools that helped me begin to heal and truly understand my worth:

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